So it's one week in, and my house is full of villains. Which I suppose I
did sign up for, literally, I put my name in the box an' all, but there
are?? One hundred and two of them? Actually it might be a hundred and three,
it's difficult to keep track, there are a couple of them currently speedwalking laps of the kitchen table while giving out-of-breath evil monologues and I'm not sure which of them is chasing who.
And among that one hundred and two, there have been some definite reader favourites!
Unfortunately, even among those favourites, not everyone can go in the running for a Silmaril Award. We have to be very picky. After all, there is but one Nefarious Villain Silmaril, and – I believe I might have mentioned already – there are a hundred and two villains.
Which is why only the top five – as nominated by your good selves, and tallied up by my own numb fingers! – will make it to the voting round.
So let's have a moment here to applaud all the lovely nominees. Very
nefarious, folks, very nefarious. I've heard some quite elegant monologues
(and some terrible ones, but I'm not naming names, because I am rather fond
of my ears being attached). Three plates and a floral teapot have fallen, as poor innocent bystanders
(again, I'm not naming names here, but to save myself from the wounded
honour of the English villains I will specify that it was not any of
them. Or any of the other tea-drinkers. Of which there seems to be an
unreasonably high percentage among the villains, and if they haven't been
spotted drinking tea they always give me the impression of
being tea-drinkers, so I have some questions here.
Namely, does evil naturally gravitate to tea, or does too much tea make
one evil.)
I think someone ate my petunias. I'm afraid to ask who.
(Possibly someone's henchman came over to visit, feeling lost without the constant stream of specific instructions from their villain, and had a midnight snack on the way back. Let's go with that. [I don't want to think about one of these villains munching my flowers ominously in the middle of the night. I just... that's wrong. And possibly a thought that will get me slowly murdered.])
ANYWAY. Now that we've given the nominees a nice round of applause, it's time
to kick them out so the top five can have the spotlight. (No hard feelings,
guys! But possibly, if you're not truly nefarious, it might be safest
to clear the stage for these five.)
Righty-oh, paying audience members and
assorted freeloaders, it's time
to vote!
Our top five nominees are:
Brother, from the Afterverse, with 14 seconds!
A popular choice, Brother also made the top five nominees in 2020. He's a disembodied entity who was, at one time, Pinocchio; he has the personality of a spoiled little boy and can possess and control all forms of wood. I'll be preparing for the awards presentation accordingly.
Professor Umbridge, from Harry Potter, with 11 seconds!
Let's be honest, we're all surprised she hasn't already got a Silmaril
hanging in her office among the cat plates. Does she need an introduction, really?
Lord Sero, from The City Between series, with 10 seconds!
The father of Epic Hero nominee Zero, Lord Sero may cause flowers and plants to grow wherever he steps, but that's no cause to underestimate him. He's the epitome of a powerful noble fae – manipulative, a finger in every pie, and considers you, as a human, to be a lesser being.
The Witch of the Waste, from Howl's Moving Castle, with 10 seconds!
Literally heartless, due to her contract with her fire demon. Also turned Sophie Hatter into an old lady. In the past, Howl dated her, but ran because she's terrifying and he's a slither-outer.
Captain Hook, from Peter Pan, with 10 seconds!
Yes, he's back. And he may or may not have hunted down my alarm
clock and smashed it. Another villain who needs no introduction, really.
Notable mentions, with 9 seconds, are Princess Devira,
Lord
Whitlock, and Lord Miraz!
Now. You will need to actually vote.
Terms and conditions of voting:
All voting is undertaken at your own risk. Report any glitches. No
negotiations will be entered into. No channels of communication will be
opened to your favourite villain no matter how much you like him/her and
want to scream your adoration. The organisers are not responsible for
any emotional trauma, loss of name, loss of memory, possession, maiming
and/or death caused by voting for the wrong villain.
So now there's nothing left for you to do, really, except vote for your
favourite – I mean, the most nefarious – villain.
(And there's nothing left for me to do except hope that the
losers can lose gracefully. My hopes are not high.)
Oh. Nothing left for you do to, apart from voting for your favourite hero, heroine, friend, counselor, dragon, henchman (whoo! go henchmen! your villains need you), silver tongue, imp, strangest character, and ruler. And getting your friends to do the same. In fact, you'd better jump into the comments of the voting posts to explain, in careful detail, why your favoured villain is the most nefarious and should receive all the votes, and your favoured hero is the most epic, and your favoured imp is the most mischievous...
Even if the villains don't believe those categories count. (Except maybe the henchmen. There's a bit of pride hanging on that one.)
Go forth, friends, and vote!
Oh, good! When your post wasn't up yesterday, I was starting to worry that one of the non-finalist villains was holding you hostage until you, ahem, "set things right" and you hadn't been able to signal the rest of the Silmaril Awards Council to rescue you. xD
ReplyDeleteAs for the villains-and-tea question, I think it's that most villains endeavor to make themselves seem as classy and upscale as possible, and what's classier than a well-brewed cup of Earl Grey (served in a proper teacup, *not a mug* (what are we, broke college students?), no cream, one sugar cube, and just a splash of lemon)? The only beverages which can top it for sheer class are alcoholic, and every good villain knows you need a clear, sharp mind for proper villainy.
Excellent post! I think I know who I'm voting for . . . :D
Ah, the time zones threw me out 12 hours... it was definitely not that I am hostage to a gang of disgruntled villains who are encamped in my kitchen and refuse to leave!
Delete(Entirely unrelated question, Sarah, do you know Morse code.)
That's a very valid point! Tea is associated with class, and that reminds me, I need to stock up on the good stuff for the awards ceremony, because I think several of these villains will appreciate it. Earl Grey, you said? (Can it be billy tea, or does it need to be prepared in a teapot... 🤔)
This is all hilarious and awesome. XD I applaud you for putting up with them all--though your poor petunias! :O Wowww, these are some super villainous villains, one and all! So hard to choose--especially with that disclaimer. XD Awesome post!
ReplyDeleteYes, they're all so terribly villainous... evidently the readers have Good Taste! I had a bit of trouble picking who to vote for myself (don't tell the villains I voted, though...) Thank you, Deborah!
Delete102 villains! You are a brave, brave soul Jem! I hope those who didn't make it to the top 5 don't give you trouble as you send them home... I can ask my dragon guests to--AHEM--politely ask them to leave for you if you wish. Of course...that could end in some of your home combusting so, erm, not sure how helpful that'd be.
ReplyDeleteAnd okay but what IS up with villains and their tea??? I love tea with the best of 'em, but if I'm planning on taking over the world coffee would be my go-to. Gotta keep up that caffeine intake to get the job done. *nods sagely*
My goodness, the lineup of villains this year tho! Alas, I've yet to officially meet Lord Sero, but the OTHERS. Definitely some nefarious stuff going on. I had the HARDEST time choosing for this category when I voted. I can definitely see why they made it to the top!
This post was so great, Jem! I'm just ecstatic to have you on the team! I just hope these 5 won't give you TOO much trouble during the awards ceremony...
On the one hand, dragons lighting my house up... on the other, this lot staying forever?? I might go for the dragons, actually, at least I can rebuild once the villain infestation is gone xD
DeleteNow I want to see a villain who just sort of. needed to sleep approximately 39 hours ago. but is cAFFEINE POWERED and slightly manic hyper. and has the henchmen bring coffee all the time, even in front of the hero. (And the hero is like "well that could be a weakness, but no, gotta respect the coffee")
You should definitely meet Lord Sero!! I mean, I have a particular liking for fae, and may be biased, but... *whispers* dooo it. But yes, voting was so hard!
Thank you, Christine! (I hope the same...)
Welp, this is absolutely HILARIOUS (I was laughing right from the get-go with the villains making laps around your kitchen table XD) and at the same time I'm scared for you. Also scared for ME having to choose between these nefarious people and possibly angering the wrong ones with my choice. WISH US ALL LUCK, JEM.
ReplyDeleteI would inform you that several of the villains had boots which were not so grippy on the wooden floor as they may have liked, but... I value my life. So I won't tell you that. GOOD LUCK, TRACEY. WE'VE ALL GOT THIS. NO ONE WILL DIE. *nervous laughter*
Delete*hands owl cake*
ReplyDeleteMy condolences for you petunias, tea cup, and plates. Terrible business, housing villians. You truly have my pity.
As for the villians and tea question, I'm with Sarah P. I think it's class. Also, caffeine. Because no villian I know of would be caught dead sipping a latte.
I absolutely loved your post!
*owl politely does not nibble your fingers, only the cake*
DeleteBut Rebekkah, do you mean that villains never ever drink pumpkin spice lattes?? They seem an American invention, so I've never had one myself, but they sound like such a happy drink! ...no wonder the villains are, by and large, Gloomy And/Or Unsatisfied™.
Oh dear, Jem. You have my pity. I'll see if we can't do something about those petunias. I cringe to ask, but will plastic ones do? What with the world-wide shortage of flowers that might be the best we can do in the interim.
ReplyDeleteMy vote will be going to Captain Hook because...he'd the only one I actually know! Hmm...not a very persuasive case is it? How about being the best dressed? Surely that's got to appeal to a certain section of the audience. Oh, well, if he doesn't win this year, there's always next time. Because if there's one thing we've learned from Neverland it's that you can't keep a good Hook down forever.
Here's hoping you survive the award ceremony!
Why thank you for the offer, DJ. I shall see if I can get Lord Sero to stand in my garden bed - he trails flowers and grass after him, which has... been interesting... - but he's disinclined (or if his plants seem a little too aggressive in how fast they're growing) I will absolutely take you up on that.
DeleteAhh, I have categories/years where I don't know most of the nominees! But yes, fashion sense and style is a valid point, particularly in this category! The villainous captain must surely get points for that (I mean. the hat. and the sword!)