Tuesday, 14 September 2021

Voting Opens! | Silmaril Awards 2021

So it's one week in, and my house is full of villains. Which I suppose I did sign up for, literally, I put my name in the box an' all, but there are?? One hundred and two of them? Actually it might be a hundred and three, it's difficult to keep track, there are a couple of them currently speedwalking laps of the kitchen table while giving out-of-breath evil monologues and I'm not sure which of them is chasing who.

And among that one hundred and two, there have been some definite reader favourites!

Unfortunately, even among those favourites, not everyone can go in the running for a Silmaril Award. We have to be very picky. After all, there is but one Nefarious Villain Silmaril, and – I believe I might have mentioned already – there are a hundred and two villains

Which is why only the top five – as nominated by your good selves, and tallied up by my own numb fingers! – will make it to the voting round. 

So let's have a moment here to applaud all the lovely nominees. Very nefarious, folks, very nefarious. I've heard some quite elegant monologues (and some terrible ones, but I'm not naming names, because I am rather fond of my ears being attached). Three plates and a floral teapot have fallen, as poor innocent bystanders (again, I'm not naming names here, but to save myself from the wounded honour of the English villains I will specify that it was not any of them. Or any of the other tea-drinkers. Of which there seems to be an unreasonably high percentage among the villains, and if they haven't been spotted drinking tea they always give me the impression of being tea-drinkers, so I have some questions here. Namely, does evil naturally gravitate to tea, or does too much tea make one evil.)

I think someone ate my petunias. I'm afraid to ask who.

(Possibly someone's henchman came over to visit, feeling lost without the constant stream of specific instructions from their villain, and had a midnight snack on the way back. Let's go with that. [I don't want to think about one of these villains munching my flowers ominously in the middle of the night. I just... that's wrong. And possibly a thought that will get me slowly murdered.])

ANYWAY. Now that we've given the nominees a nice round of applause, it's time to kick them out so the top five can have the spotlight. (No hard feelings, guys! But possibly, if you're not truly nefarious, it might be safest to clear the stage for these five.)

Righty-oh, paying audience members and
assorted freeloaders, it's time to vote!

Our top five nominees are:

Brother, from the Afterverse, with 14 seconds!

A popular choice, Brother also made the top five nominees in 2020. He's a disembodied entity who was, at one time, Pinocchio; he has the personality of a spoiled little boy and can possess and control all forms of wood. I'll be preparing for the awards presentation accordingly.

Professor Umbridge, from Harry Potter, with 11 seconds!

Let's be honest, we're all surprised she hasn't already got a Silmaril hanging in her office among the cat plates. Does she need an introduction, really?

Lord Sero, from The City Between series, with 10 seconds!

The father of Epic Hero nominee Zero, Lord Sero may cause flowers and plants to grow wherever he steps, but that's no cause to underestimate him. He's the epitome of a powerful noble fae – manipulative, a finger in every pie, and considers you, as a human, to be a lesser being.

The Witch of the Waste, from Howl's Moving Castle, with 10 seconds!

Literally heartless, due to her contract with her fire demon. Also turned Sophie Hatter into an old lady. In the past, Howl dated her, but ran because she's terrifying and he's a slither-outer.

Captain Hook, from Peter Pan, with 10 seconds!

Yes, he's back. And he may or may not have hunted down my alarm clock and smashed it. Another villain who needs no introduction, really.

• • • • • • •

Notable mentions, with 9 seconds, are Princess Devira,
Lord Whitlock, and Lord Miraz!

• • • • • • •

Now. You will need to actually vote.

Terms and conditions of voting: 

All voting is undertaken at your own risk. Report any glitches. No negotiations will be entered into. No channels of communication will be opened to your favourite villain no matter how much you like him/her and want to scream your adoration. The organisers are not responsible for any emotional trauma, loss of name, loss of memory, possession, maiming and/or death caused by voting for the wrong villain.

• • • • • • •

So now there's nothing left for you to do, really, except vote for your favourite – I mean, the most nefarious – villain. (And there's nothing left for me to do except hope that the losers can lose gracefully. My hopes are not high.)

Oh. Nothing left for you do to, apart from voting for your favourite hero, heroine, friend, counselor, dragon, henchman (whoo! go henchmen! your villains need you), silver tongue, imp, strangest character, and ruler. And getting your friends to do the same. In fact, you'd better jump into the comments of the voting posts to explain, in careful detail, why your favoured villain is the most nefarious and should receive all the votes, and your favoured hero is the most epic, and your favoured imp is the most mischievous...

Even if the villains don't believe those categories count. (Except maybe the henchmen. There's a bit of pride hanging on that one.)

Go forth, friends, and vote!


  1. Oh, good! When your post wasn't up yesterday, I was starting to worry that one of the non-finalist villains was holding you hostage until you, ahem, "set things right" and you hadn't been able to signal the rest of the Silmaril Awards Council to rescue you. xD

    As for the villains-and-tea question, I think it's that most villains endeavor to make themselves seem as classy and upscale as possible, and what's classier than a well-brewed cup of Earl Grey (served in a proper teacup, *not a mug* (what are we, broke college students?), no cream, one sugar cube, and just a splash of lemon)? The only beverages which can top it for sheer class are alcoholic, and every good villain knows you need a clear, sharp mind for proper villainy.

    Excellent post! I think I know who I'm voting for . . . :D

  2. This is all hilarious and awesome. XD I applaud you for putting up with them all--though your poor petunias! :O Wowww, these are some super villainous villains, one and all! So hard to choose--especially with that disclaimer. XD Awesome post!

  3. 102 villains! You are a brave, brave soul Jem! I hope those who didn't make it to the top 5 don't give you trouble as you send them home... I can ask my dragon guests to--AHEM--politely ask them to leave for you if you wish. Of course...that could end in some of your home combusting so, erm, not sure how helpful that'd be.

    And okay but what IS up with villains and their tea??? I love tea with the best of 'em, but if I'm planning on taking over the world coffee would be my go-to. Gotta keep up that caffeine intake to get the job done. *nods sagely*

    My goodness, the lineup of villains this year tho! Alas, I've yet to officially meet Lord Sero, but the OTHERS. Definitely some nefarious stuff going on. I had the HARDEST time choosing for this category when I voted. I can definitely see why they made it to the top!

    This post was so great, Jem! I'm just ecstatic to have you on the team! I just hope these 5 won't give you TOO much trouble during the awards ceremony...

  4. Welp, this is absolutely HILARIOUS (I was laughing right from the get-go with the villains making laps around your kitchen table XD) and at the same time I'm scared for you. Also scared for ME having to choose between these nefarious people and possibly angering the wrong ones with my choice. WISH US ALL LUCK, JEM.

  5. *hands owl cake*

    My condolences for you petunias, tea cup, and plates. Terrible business, housing villians. You truly have my pity.

    As for the villians and tea question, I'm with Sarah P. I think it's class. Also, caffeine. Because no villian I know of would be caught dead sipping a latte.

    I absolutely loved your post!

  6. Oh dear, Jem. You have my pity. I'll see if we can't do something about those petunias. I cringe to ask, but will plastic ones do? What with the world-wide shortage of flowers that might be the best we can do in the interim.

    My vote will be going to Captain Hook because...he'd the only one I actually know! Hmm...not a very persuasive case is it? How about being the best dressed? Surely that's got to appeal to a certain section of the audience. Oh, well, if he doesn't win this year, there's always next time. Because if there's one thing we've learned from Neverland it's that you can't keep a good Hook down forever.

    Here's hoping you survive the award ceremony!


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