THANKS A LOT KENZIE || consequences of the NaNo Dare Squad

My sisters have been waiting for this post ever since they first heard it was coming...

So waaay back in November, I signed up for an idea Kenzie had:

The NaNoWriMo Dare Squad [of Death]

 

• I sent her my goal for NaNo
• I sent her a dare to go in the Virtual Hat of Consequences
• and I laughed because aPPARENTLY IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN YOU FEEL NO FEAR

Now obviously this should have meant I would COMPLETE MY GOAL and not lose NaNo. Because the consequences were just too terrible to contemplate.

Lo and behold, I did not win NaNo. Probably because I didn't write for the third and fourth week? I mean, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that's a bit of a red flag for non-dedication. 

So even though I keep blaming Kenzie, this is entirely my fault.

It's just... she's laughing. I know she's laughing. I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING, KENZIE.

........

But what dare did I get? (you can see the whole post + options here!)

First try, I rolled a five: "Let a sibling or friend who you really don't want in control of your blog write the next post". I am so glad I couldn't do that one. because it was mine.

Then I rolled twelve: "roll the dice separately and do each!"

Then I rolled two ones, which was "Impossible! (Unless you're a Jedi...)" So I'm obviously a Jedi master and do not need to do a dare at all.

Buuut I felt like I should try again.

And I got two fours: "Publish at least one chapter (or section) of the most embarrassing novel you've ever written." (This dare was courtesy of Kirsten at Simple Love.)

I blinked twice ("...okay...") and then a very, very old story flashed through my suddenly tense mind. Quite frankly, if I wasn't such an honourable person, I would have gone with my first response:

I have no idea who this is, but I identify with his amount of nOPE.

But as I said, I have my sense of honour! So. Here it is. My first ever 'long' piece of writing (unfinished at 43 A5 pages), which also happens to be the. most. embarrassing. I just don't know what I was thinking (or why I hadn't burnt it before now??)

You may begin the throwing up. Or tears of laughter. Whichever response you're inclined towards. (I vote for aggressive clicking of the red x at the top right of your browser? but that's just me.)

Ready?

........

Intro/Ch 1 When I was eight years old there was a smallpox outbreak in Jorria, the island where I lived. Not many people got it severely, but the ones who did died - including my mother and father. Our King Gregory and Queen Jasmine also died. I missed my parents dreadfully, of course, and for a few days would not speak to anyone.	Much tragedy. Very orphan. Possibly even a week. TRUE GRIEF right there.
Ten year old Prince Benjamin became ruler of Jorria, advised by his father's most loyal knights, Sir Brock, Sir Peter, Sir Malcolm, Sir Samuel and Sir David. I, daughter of peasants, went to live with my Uncle, Aunt and twin cousins, Carl and Jack. In their cottage I was looked after well, although I never questioned exactly where the food and money Aunt Sue had, came from.	Because if you're not royalty you're a peasant. Obviously.
My years after that were not unhappy. Every morning I got up early and looked out my attic window at the castle in Blith. Blith was the capital of Jorria, about fifty kilometres south-east. I could just see fluttering pennants flying on the roof of the castle, and whether the backdrow was swirling fog, or the bright colours of dawn, the castle looked like it came out of one of the fairytales my mother had used to tell me.	I spent ages making a map, can you tell?? also wow, that's 30 miles, she has good eyes??   That's... probably a little too meta for this story to handle?? (because this story can't handle anything)
As I grew older I had less spare time in the mornings, until I was too busy spinning, weaving, sewing, cooking or knitting to gaze out the window. Aunt Sue kept me busy, as Uncle Tom did my cousins. What the did I didn't know, until one day Uncle Tom called me.	Oh hahahaa because those are the occupations in a fantasy world.
"Melody, I need you to do a job for me," he said, leading me quietly to the back of a well-off villager's house. "Wait here; if any one is coming this way, discreetly warn me, okay?" A little surprised, I waited as Uncle Tom and Jack and Carl climbed a drainpipe into a bedroom. They emerged a few minutes later with a bulging sack. "No-one came," I said. Uncle smiled. "Good girl." I beamed: Praise from Uncle Tom was rare.	I think Uncle Tom was meant to be a manipulative villain. But he... doesn't do anything? 1. She has no questions? not a lot of surprise? and apparently can't tell what they're doing??? 2.  ooh that sounds like a good way of robbing a house! the standard drainpipe/sack of loot method! Because parent-figures have to be no good! it's a rule! also this one's a manipulative villain as you can SEE.
Together we did that four times in the next months. Then, one evening at the dinner table, Uncle Tom dropped a bombshell.  "My arthritis is getting worse; I'm going to retire. You boys can keep going by yourselves." Aunt Sue stared. "But what if something goes wrong and they're not able to-" "I'll do one last job with them, then they're quite capable of continuing," Uncle Tom replied impatiently.	A bombshell ooh dramatic. Especially since I'm pretty sure they don't have bombs. Of course sudden arthritis would mean he had to retire. With hardly any warning.
"What job?" Jack asked quietly, as usual taciturn. "The Queen's Diamond," Uncle Tom said casually. My breath caught in my throat. The Queen's Diamond was given to Prince Benjamin by his mother, just hours before she died. It was the prince's most valued possession, and he had it guarded as such.	"Taciturn", "casually", "let me just regurgitate all the fancy words I've ever read, that will help with conflict and suspense!"
Whether Uncle Tom heard me or not I do not know, but his next words were to me: "Of course, we'll need you to stand watch, Melody." "But- but- it's in Blith- the guards- and the diamond's in a tower!" "I'll arrange everything," he said, with an air of finality. ______	I think at this point I'm just stringing words like "casually" and "with an air of finality" together because that's what cool stories do? not because it makes aNY SENSE for Uncle Tom to be talking "casually"?!
Sure enough, in three days' time Uncle Tom led our four horses to our cottage door. "All ready?" he asked. I wasn't, but how could I tell him - and get to stay home? Uncle Tom was the most stubborn person I'd ever met. Jack and Carl mounted their horses and looked at me. "You're not scared, are you Melody?" Carl inquired innocently. Obviously, he could see I most certainly was. I scowled and mounted my horse, a slightly flighty Thoroughbred built for speed. I shuddered as we trotted down the dusty road towards Blith. Was Uncle thinking we would need to be making a speedy getaway, perhaps persued [sic] by Jorrian soldiers? ______	Also I think the twins were supposed to be bad, but they mostly seem like [cliche] annoying boy cousins?? ...can you tell I was a wanna-be horse girl?
The tight, sick feeling in my stomach had only increased during the long ride to Blith. And when Uncle Tom and my cousins were up the tower, I thought of everything that could go wrong, and the feeling turned into a ball of lead that churned and bounced in my stomach. Then Uncle Tom poked his head out the window of the diamond's stronghold room, motioning for me to see if it was safe for them to climb back down. Maybe we would get away with it. I let a little of the tension go. I ran around the corner of the tower to check that no-one was there - and crashed into a knight.	Again with the most cLICHE of phrases.
Ch 2 I fell to the ground. I was a bit bruised, and very scared. Behind the knight I'd crashed into were four more knights, and a tall, strong young man whom I immediately knew was Prince Benjamin.	Ooh, such telling details... Pretentious yet incorrect use of 'whom'. *slow clap*
The prince was bending over me now. "Are you alright, maiden?" he asked concernedly. "What is your name?" I tried to stand up, and winced. "I think I've twisted my ankle, Your Highness, but it was my fault. I'm Melody." I hadn't actually hurt my ankle but I had to keep the knights away from Uncle Tom, Jack and Carl, so we could escape.	Wow this doesn't sound stilted aT ALL NOPE. And 'concernedly'??  *gasps* No???
Just then one of the knights went around the corner, and obviously saw my family. Almost before the knight's outraged yell, Uncle Tom led the boys at a run to our horses, which were tied behind a bush nearby. Prince Benjamin and his knights rushed at them. I went after them as my family galloped away, leaving my horse, Jilly, still tied, and confused. She was my hope - perhaps while the knights were following the others, I could escape.	Please just stop, Jem.  Tense and/or action scenes were obviously not my strongest point.
Jilly nickered gladly as I drew nearer. She wanted to gallop after the other horses; I was more than willing! But as she nuzzled me, I realised that the knights had fallen silent, and all were staring at me. "Have you seen them before?" the prince asked, his voice cold. I tried to sound insulted and indignant. "No, never!" I lied blatently.[sic]	Again with the wanna-be horse girl.  Good thing you told the readers she's lying, Jem! They'd never have figured out she was blatantly lying otherwise!!
Prince Benjamin gave a hard laugh. "Is that your only virtue?" "I don't understand, Highness." Not being related to thieves my only virtue? "Being a bad liar," he replied. "Is that your only virtue?"	"a hard laugh". I'm finding it hard to laugh, is that the same?
"I tell you, I never saw them before!" I began panicking. "You can't prove anything!" That was practically admitting my guilt. I bit my tongue.	Kid, in any serious storyworld you'd be dead meat. Possibly literally. How are you so tERRIBLE.
"Your ankle doesn't seem to be hurt anymore," a knight commented dryly. The prince smiled. It wasn't a smile that boded well for me. "An excellent observation, Sir Malcolm." I hated Sir Malcolm. Moving suddenly, I grabbed Jilly's reins and leapt into the saddle. "Go!" I screamed. Jilly went. Two steps.	Ooh, I'm so scared for poor ickle Melody. Will she go to prison? *gasp* What if she... hangs?? Yeah... nope. Not feeling it.
While I had moved suddenly, years of experience made the knights' reflexes very fast. One grabbed the bridle, another my leg. Franticly [sic] I pulled away, but his calloused hand held firm. "Sir Brock, Sir Samuel, well done," Prince Benjamin said.  I hated them too.	I assume she's wearing long pants for riding, this being a standard fantasy world, so how she felt the callouses on the knight's hand I don't know.
Prince Benjamin walked over to me. "Get down," he commanded. I obeyed, though my legs felt like lead. Sir Brock and Sir Samuel took my arms. The prince continued. "You are guilty of aiding and abetting thieves, if not guilty of robbery itself. You are under arrest in the name of Jorria and its royal family."	I'd like to insert some final snarky commentary here but I'm frankly a bit exhausted, being so close to the end, so you're going to have to do it yourself. Make it a good one.
The grips on my arms tightened as the prince led his men, and one unwilling prisoner, in the castle gate. I was finished - or my free life was, and that meant about the same to me.	...melodramatic much?
Chap 3  In the royal courtroo-

........

WHOA OKAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. And that's two chapters so, technically, it's enough to complete the dare.

Don't argue with me on this.

I have a few things to say about this piece of writing I was forced to drag up from the depths. 

cringy \\ infodump \\ rip-off characters \\ rip-off everything \\ I do not see anything salvageable

It's also the reason I don't write much in first person any more. 

Something else I have to say: sTOP LAUGHING, KENZIE. We both know what's coming for you. *eyebrows aggressively* (yes, eyebrows is a verb)

Now I know it's too late, but excuse me while I go burn these papers.

........

What's the most embarrassing thing you ever wrote? Did your younger self ever try to write romance? (I'm just glad it wasn't in the first two chapters, so I escaped that embarrassment...) Would you ever consider participating in Kenzie's Dare Squad if she does it again? (the answer is yes, you do of course want to torture yourself beyond the standard NaNo torture. But winners got to potentially mess with other people's dares! you could have fun!) What do you think happened in the rest of this story?? (I vote for "you should have had an earthquake-slash-tsunami event which wipes everyone out". But I'm an easygoing kind of person; I could be persuaded to vote for another outbreak of the smallpox.)