Saturday, 1 December 2018

WIP Special Part 5 || I harass my characters

I won't beat around the bush and bore you with a long and rambly introduction. We all know who you're here to talk to, and it's not me. *tragic sniff* Today I have some special guests - the cast of Three Sisters, particularly, Billie!


Billie: I would rather be forced to behave through a full formal tea with Count Laszlo.

Jem: She's still a little rattled from meeting her author.

Billie: It's just wrong.

Jem: Unfortunate. We will also be having bloggers from the audience asking the cast questions! which will be so fun!

Billie: Fun, like a wild animal attack.

Jem: Thanks, Billie. With that said, I'd like to introduce Ceci, with our first question! *hands over mic*

Ceci: Billie, have you ever run out of things to say?

Billie: ...

Billie: wow. So that's going to be the style of this interview, Jem.

Jem: Answer the question.

Billie: ...

Billie: Never.

Billie: I once didn't know what to say, so kept my mouth shut, but that was because there were too many things to say. And the person who needed every one of those things said to them - in a completely calm, non-threatening voice, obviously - wasn't around, so there was no point using it up on people who didn't deserve it.

Jem: *hands mic to Julia*

Julia: Billie, what's your favourite piece of snark you've ever come up with?

Billie: 'Favourite' depends less on how polished it is, in my vastly experienced opinion, and more on how much it irritates your opponent. With that in mind, for a recent sample I'd suggest-

Jem: Hang on.

Billie: Oh, is the interview finished? That's a shame, lovely meeting you all, now if you don't mind-

Jem: I'd like to have someone else answer a question before we have your answer. Rowan?

Rowan: *enters through side door* Rowan, of Ranwood Forest- *sees Billie*

Rowan: ...

Rowan: My apologies to the audience, but I have somewhere I urgently need to be-

Blue: *accepts mic* Rowan, if I gave you a pair of handcuffs, what would you do with them?

Rowan: *freezes* Do we really have to bring this up again?

Billie: Oh, I want to hear him publicly explain this one.

Rowan: I really don't think-

Billie: I'll help you start. So, he was in the middle of a home invasion-

Rowan: It was a carefully planned assault on the home of a threat the locals had been living in fear of for decades-

Billie: Is all your planning of that high calibre? because the Beast wasn't even there-

Rowan: It had abruptly changed its routine! no one could have seen that coming!

Billie: And then his team finds a girl in the kitchen. To which the obvious response is for him to distract her with snark so the others can sneak up on her-

Rowan: Come on-

Billie: Oh, I'm sorry. Quite right - it's your question, why should I be telling the story? Do go on.

Rowan: That's not- *mumbles* ...I tied her to the table leg. But she was obviously friendly with the Beast! I couldn't let her warn it and endanger my men's lives!

Jem: So, a pair of handcuffs?

Rowan: *sighs* I would have handcuffed her to the table leg.

Billie: I wasn't as friendly with the Beast as I was making out to the masked attacker who was tying me to the table leg, you fool.

Jem: ...And I think it's time for the quote that answers Julia's question! this may or may not be slightly-outdated first draft, ahaha

Billie spent the next hour tugging on the scarf, going over every detail of the leader's face and voice and clothes so she could identify him on a moonless night, and fuming spectacularly.

So when the leader returned, she wasn't pleased to see him.

He crouched beside her and tried to remove the gag, but because of the way it had been knotted, ended up spending several minutes undoing it and completely releasing her in the process. He grimaced and shrugged. "Don't try to stand up, okay? As long as you're on the ground I can know you're not about to run."

"I shall do everything in my power to make your kidnapping venture successful. You need all the help you can get, after all. This is your first, isn't it?"

He tipped his head back and sighed again. "Don't make me regret removing the gag."

"Of course not, o noble kidnapper and all-round honourable guy."

"Just- stop it. Where is it?"

"Where is what? Let me assist you to the best of my ability."

"I said stop it! The Beast. It isn't here."

Billie blinked. "He isn't?"

"We searched everywhere."

"Even up the chimneys? He likes to hide there sometimes. What about on the roof?"

"We may have checked up the chimneys," the leader of the intruders admitted seriously. "I think the Beast is too big, but the men insisted. They didn't want it dropping out of one when they turned their backs."

"That is entirely ridiculous. And makes it sound like you actually want to find him. Which is as ridiculous as expecting to find him up the chimneys."

He hesitated. "Do you know where it is?"

"If I had even suspected he wasn't here, I would have thought twice about taking on four masked intruders."

"Any idea where it might be?"

"No," Billie said, with fake cheer. "But I don't have any idea when he might be getting back, either. Could be any time. Or never. Whichever one is more annoying to you, that's the one I'm hoping for."

He rubbed his hand across his face. "Believe it or not, we're the good guys in this situation. I don't know what the Beast has on you to keep you here and fighting for it, but you're on the wrong side. We're here to avenge the murders the Beast has committed. The people it's killed - they were hunting, but they didn't deserve a violent death. Most of them had hungry families waiting at home."

Billie moved away from the table leg and sat stiffly upright. "I apologise for not recognising you as the good guys. It must have been the way you invaded my dwelling and tied me up to the kitchen table. I am so sorry for my ignorant misunderstanding."

"You are the most insufferable-"

"Kidnapping victim you've ever had? Also the only one, judging by your complete ineptitude."

"I-" He huffed. "Excuse me for not being an experienced kidnapper. Not that I even kidnapped you. And how is that worse than killing people like the Beast does?"

"I don't actually care what reasoning you've used to make yourself believe you're a good guy. You broke in, tricked me, and tied me to the table leg."

"We couldn't let you warn the Beast."

"You tied me. To. The table leg."

Rowan: *buries his face in his hands*

Jem: I'd love to follow this topic further, but if we don't move on this interview will get out of hand. I'm already thinking it'll be at least three parts. But on the bright side, it looks like Billie's reconsidering her initial response to the interview!

Billie: ...It has its unexpected good bits. Who's next?

Jem: A few more questions for Rowan, first.

Ceci: Rowan, who is the most important person in your life?

Rowan: The Beast, although it's not a person; my life has been focused on hunting it for months now.

Jem: (author interjection! ^ this is 1. for unknown tragic backstory reasons! and 2. not the case throughout the story... who could possibly become a more important person to him, hm.....)

Jem: Hang on, I want Kik in here for the next one.

Kik comes on. There is scattered clapping. He beams at the audience. Rowan rolls his eyes.

Erik: Rowan, what makes you think you're the leader?

Kik: Personal delusion, mostly.

Rowan: Firstly, I object to the wording of that question. Secondly- *side-eyes Kik* it's because I'm the only functional one of us all.

Kik: Mate, you're the one with the unknown tragic backstory. I think that makes you the least functional.

Jem: *coughs* How about a question for Kik. Erik, you had one for him too?

Erik: Yes. Kik, if you had the opportunity to drop a piano on Rowan's head, would you do it?

Kik: Hm. That's a difficult one.

Rowan: Kik, no one thinks you're funny.

Kik: There would be obvious benefits, but on the other hand, a piano smashing makes a huge amount of noise and mess.

Rowan: Seriously, Kik.

Kik: Also pianos are super-heavy and I'm not sure how I'd lift it high enough to drop on him.

Rowan: Through the power of sheer delusion?

Kik: So I'm going have to go with a hesitant no.

Rowan: Thanks, mate.

Jem: We'd better move on before Kik brings out passive-aggressive Australians in us all. Nicole?

Nicole: Rowan, what’s your favorite part about being a bandit?

Rowan: ...

Rowan: ...you mean what keeps me going? Honestly, days like this, I'm not sure.

Jem: ...and?

Rowan: What, you honestly think that's the only non-answer you're going to get?

Jem: And here you were on my Favourite, Co-operative Characters list.

Jem: Back to Billie now.

Julia: Billie, how would you go about... exterminating someone?

Billie: I'd use snark and whatever other tools I had at my disposal to irritate them until they explode in frustration.

Jem: Other tools? wait, I think Melissa has a question that would fit in with that.

Melissa: Billie, any recommendations of techniques to use to disarm people with snark?

Billie: Start off general. Take note of anything that produces a reaction, and follow that path. And just don't let up. As for "other tools", I use anything that will irritate them. Deliberately getting their name wrong, eating with my mouth open, putting my feet on the table, that kind of thing.

Jem: So intense pettiness.

Billie: ...rude. But basically.


Melissa: Also, is it bad that now I want to shove Koray and Billie into a room together and see what would happen? I feel like Koray would invite her to a game of cards and for each snarky comment tell a horribly bad joke until she stopped...


Billie: who is this Koray.

Jem: *rapidly whispers in Billie's ear*

Billie: ...he sounds too much like Kik. The thinks-he's-so-funny sidekick of the tragic male lead. It is definitely bad, Melissa, and I can only be grateful it can never happen.

Kik: I disagree. He and I should meet up and swap jokes and methods of causing friendly irritation to the aforementioned tragic male lead...

Jem: Never say never, Billie... inter-WIP character interviews have long been a blogging-collab dream of mine... Rowan, do you have any response to being called the tragic male lead?

Rowan: ...

Rowan: She called me the male lead, so at least she's recognising that I'm important.

Billie: ...I said nothing and I deny all implications of any statements I definitely did not say.

Jem: Such as the inferences that can be drawn from you being the female lead... *smirks at Billie, whose responding glare matches Rowan's* Well, that concludes today's interview!

Billie: Oh, we're done? If you didn't make my life too miserable to be happy, I would say I was happy to hear that.

Rowan: Honestly, I hate to say this, but I agree with her.

Billie: I don't want you to agree with me. Don't agree with me. It's annoying.

Kik: I don't agree with either of you. This is great fun and I'm just sorry Josie couldn't be here to see you two answering those questions like the awkward dolts you are. Uh, that is, Rowan is an awkward dolt. Billie, you're Josie's sister and therefore deserve respect.

Jem: You'll be glad to hear, Kik, that we do have more questions, and Josie will be here for them!

Rowan: ...what.

Billie: Leave her out of this.

Rowan: You said we were DONE.

Jem: Oh, quite the opposite, Rowan. We have nearly twice as many questions left as the amount we got through today. It just means we'll be continuing this in the next post.

Jem: *mutes microphones and waves at the audience, ignoring the furious spluttering from Billie and Rowan (and the pleased smirk from Kik, who is enjoying this way too much)* See you all after the break! Also, if you had more questions, or further torture questions for Billie, Rowan, and Kik, technically I could still fit them into the interview in the next post!
........

SO MUCH FUN. Hope you enjoyed this just as much as I did! don't forget to come back for the next part Anyway, here's the links to the other bloggers; you should go check out their week 5 posts because I guarantee there will be awesomeness.

Jules @ Saver of Memories (inventor of this wonderful idea!)
Nicole @ Legend of a Writer
Ceci @ Ceci Creates
Lisa @ Inkwell (the amazing graphics are courtesy of her!)
Gray @ Writing is Life
Julia @ Lit Aflame
Melissa @ Quill Pen Writer
Brooklyne @ Showers of Blessings
Ariel @ Scribes and Archers
Keturah @ Keturah’s Korner
Sarah @ Pen of a Ready Writer
........

Now. I know you're all wondering "but Jem! why are you late? again?"

To which I say: it's like you don't know me?? I will always be late.

But if you want an excuse (I am always ready to give an excuse. with a straight face.), it's been a crazy week here.

https://twitter.com/RACQOfficial/status/1067663941105414144

We do not do insane bushfires?? what is this?? I would like a refund please.

My family hasn't been directly affected, but we know lots of people who had to be evacuated. The situation's better now, for most areas (some are still crazy), but it's been 40-45 degree temperatures for a full week now. (Celsius. For those of you who use the illogical system known as Fareinghenheithingy, that's around 104-114 for you.)

No one's died in the fires so far though, so praise God for that. One man did die just recently when he was clearing a fire break and a tree fell on him, though.

Honestly, if we'd had fires like the ones I briefly saw on the news were (are?) in California, I think I would have dropped dead just from pure fear. Too much Colin Thiele in my childhood.
........
Aaannnd enough of that! Which of the characters dealt the best with being interviewed? Are there points you want me to further pursue? Any questions you want to last-minute ask the other characters? Who do you hope to see in the next part of the interview?

And were you one of the audience members "clapping" when Kik came on, because he'd like to personally thank you for making his day by irritating Rowan.

6 comments:

  1. OH MY WORD, THIS INTERVIEW WAS GENIUS. <3333 seriously Julian should make this an official thing the next time she does the shared tag because this was HYSTERICAL. :) *counting days until part 2*

    ReplyDelete
  2. These characters are the bessssst. And THIS INTERVIEW WAS THE BEST. I can't wait for part 2!!!

    Oh no! I pray that God will provide protection from those fires! Sounds like the fire problem in California. :/

    Awesome post, Jem. <3

    Lila @ The Red-Hooded Writer

    ReplyDelete
  3. *dies*

    Kik: Mate, you're the one with the unknown tragic backstory. I think that makes you the least functional.

    Rowan: Through the power of sheer delusion?

    Rowan: ...you mean what keeps me going? Honestly, days like this, I'm not sure.

    Jem: So intense pettiness.

    "For those of you who use the illogical system known as Fareinghenheithingy..."

    EVYERTHING about this post was GOLDEN Like, really....just...*words fail me* really, really funny.

    Didn't know about the Aus fires though...but yeah, we do have some going on in Cali. Pretty bad. Thankfully people are always being so helpful and kind and ready to lend aid and thankfully I'm on the other side of the US where there's mud EVERYWHERE

    ReplyDelete
  4. This was brilliance. True brilliance. *Slow claps*

    ReplyDelete
  5. I tagged you for my NEW blog tag, made for all bookworms who are fans of the Hobbit and LOTR!

    You can see the blog tag here: https://litaflame.blog/2018/12/23/forging-the-fellowship-a-blog-tag/

    ReplyDelete
  6. This whole post was quite enjoyable to read :)
    Tell Kik that I was definitely one of the people applauding when he came on. Applauding very energetically.
    The whole break-in excerpt is brilliant :) I love how Billie is alone with four masked intruders and she's zero percent concerned.
    Looking forward to the next part of the interview! Tell Billie, Rowan, and Kik that I loved "meeting" them. ;)

    ReplyDelete

Comment away! I read all comments - no matter how old the post may be! - and I'll try to reply. Just keep your words appropriate so I won't have to delete your comment (I'd hate to have to do that).