In a World Without Dragons (Cows Are Happier and Less Roasty) | Quirk #6

shhh it's still Saturday somewhere

in the middle of the Pacific maybe?

Please ignore the title. I have given up on Serious Titling and will, from now on, throw whatever comes into my head at my Quirks.

 In a World Without Dragons (Cows Are Happier And Less Roasty)

“Okay, so, I lied.”

I paused, phone half-way to my ear. “…Is this an important thing for me to know, like ‘yes, Lachlan, it was I who ate your sandwich after all,’ or can it wait until after the plan where you get rid of the literal fire-breathing dragons?”

Mathilda spun Soul-Cleaver, the tip making a dimple in the gravel of the road. “An important thing. Probably. I think.”

“You think.”

“…I’m fairly positive.”

As an important ally and our main (and only) warrior in our planned fight against fair-dinkum dragons, Mathilda had never shown the slightest hint of nerves. If she hadn’t clambered out of the portal after the beasts, lugging her fancy magic sword of legend and speaking of dragons with the air of experience despite her teenage appearance, I don’t know what we would have done. As it was, the neighbours and I had already lost more than a dozen head of cattle between us.

All that to say: Mathilda and Soul-Cleaver were at the centre of our plan, which was meant to be starting right now and ending with the dragons one-hundred-percent vanquished, and her hesitation was not super encouraging.

“All right,” I said, and slipped my phone back into my jeans. “I’m listening. What’s up?”

She held Soul-Cleaver up to eye level, rubbing dust off the pommel with a thumb. Dust I knew was non-existent, because she spent more time looking after that sword than I’d spent training for that rodeo when I was fourteen and stupid. And okay, I got it: when you had a history of fighting dragons to victory with a magical sword, inspiring actual legends about the two of you, caring pretty deeply about said sword made sense.

“Is there… a problem with Soul-Cleaver?”

“No! No no no! Soul-Cleaver is definitely in perfect condition,” Mathilda said hastily. “Entirely satisfactory. There is not a single problem with Soul-Cleaver.”

“That’s good?” I eyed the way she gripped it, her fingers white and red from the pressure. “So it’s something else, then. By the way, how long do you think we have until the dragons wake up and start coming out of that cave? We’d have to put off the plan until tomorrow if that happened, right?” I needed to call Hoppy Bob and get him to stand down his rag-tag unit of local landowners if the plan wasn’t going through. They were doubtless getting antsy already; if the dragons started leaving the cave, it was only a matter of time before someone let off a shot with a rifle not meant for shooting anything beyond wild pigs. They weren’t even meant to have rifles, that was not their role in the plan. “Unless—I know you said it would be best if we attacked while they’re sleeping, but maybe you could…?”

Mathilda winced. There really wasn’t any other way to describe it, except perhaps as a cringe. “I—well. That is, I was hoping…”

I didn’t want to hear whatever had got our hero developing nerves. But to ignore it and push past would be incredibly dumb. “Hoping?”

“…That someone else would come from my world. Possibly several. The twins are built like they were designed to carry palanquins, and they should have noticed I was gone. Or Dathaniel! She’s older than me and she’s told amazing tales of her times before becoming a researcher.”

“Mathilda.” I put my hands on her shoulders, hoping she wouldn’t take offence; despite her alarming dip in self-confidence, she was still obviously the hero of the two of us, Viking-style braids and all. “I know nothing about dragons, and nothing about what other people may be in your world, but when you told us the lore about dragons, I could tell you knew what you were talking about. You know details I’d have never thought to ask about, and it’s obvious Soul-Cleaver has been with you through incredible adventures. We trust you.”

“…Lachlan, I’m a librarian.”

Every word evaporated out of my head. “…What.”

“That is. Not precisely. If you want to be accurate, I’m an archivist… an archivist’s assistant. Not a fighter or a legendary hero, except in my imagination, and against rust and mould. I’m really very sorry, but you were expecting me to be someone who could help, and I was holding a sword.”

I gestured weakly at the sword still in her hands. “So this isn’t…”

“Mine? No, but I have been taking very good care of her. My supervisor said that, uh, I wasn’t supposed to touch her… but the portal to your world opened and I panicked a tiny bit.” She saw the look on my face and must have felt she needed to reassure me. “She really is a sword of legend, Lachlan. I was studying her history. Every victory I told you of is true.”

“I—I don’t…” I mentally flicked through alternative plans, but they all involved having the heroic duo of Mathilda and Soul-Cleaver. Or calling in the army, I supposed, but voluntarily to call the government in for a scientific anomaly on my own farm? Who would do that? “What if—can someone else wield Soul-Cleaver? Would its powers work for them?”

She fidgeted.

“Don’t tell me it’s a normal sword that happens to have been through a lot of history!”

If I sounded slightly hysterical, Mathilda was kind enough not to mention it. “Well. It does have significant powers, which played an important role in achieving the victories. It’s just that—historians disagree on exactly what the powers might have been.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do they think?”

“It’s an ongoing historical debate!” she said, sounding indignant for the first time. “People have spent years of their life researching this, I can’t insult that by making up an answer for you!”

“Mathilda, please, give me some sort of idea of what we’re talking.”

She deflated. “…My supervisor has worked for four years on a paper which says that the translation shouldn’t be ‘Soul-Cleaver’, but, well, ‘Heart-breaker’. And that the powers are, effectively, friendship with dragons.”

The sun gleamed off the sword in her hands, a carefree shrug to the fact that the sword did exactly the opposite of what you would expect a legendary sword to do. Which didn’t… sound so bad, actually? Once you ignored the fire-breathing and the fact that the dragons were as big as small elephants and might accidentally flatten you? Presumably, if you made friends with them, you could politely ask them to follow you back through the portal into the world you were all supposed to be in.

I suggested as much.

“Um, no,” Mathilda said, eyes wide. “I work in the national archives. What if the dragons refuse to leave me? I’ll never be able to go back to work! My supervisor will give my position to Janess, after I all the time I’ve spent competing with her!”

Apparently, our resident teenage hero archivist’s assistant from another world had a Ravenclaw streak as wide as she was. Who would have guessed.

I took a deep breath and held out my hand. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

This was such a bad idea.

(Please picture, if you will, Lachlan giving Mathilda a mobile phone with music on it, and her going back to the national archives and just. Having playlists which she jams to while she researches. And her corner of the archives being filled with people "just passing through, no really, I just need one specific item, don't mind me—")

I thought this Quirk would be fantasy, but technically I believe it's speculative? Then again. Portals, mate. Who knows.

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Shout out to our Quirk writers! This week we have:

Samantha! who wrote about pregnant women and the inability to stop them doing what they sHOULDN'T BE, nO— 

Sarah Seele! who wrote about an uncanny girl with knives and her father's smile in her eyes

The Temperamental Writer! who wrote about three smol siblings who are hungry enough to eat raw macaroni and therefore get taken home by the lady they tried to mug

The Story Sponge! who wrote about a pair of shape-shifting dragon sisters, the younger of which will not sTOP BLOWING FIRE OR I AM PULLING THIS CAR OVER (there is no car, but the sentiment is there)

The next Quirk will go up on the first Saturday in March! or close enough, don't come for me xD

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So there you have it. February's Quirk. If you haven't already, MAKE SURE YOU GO READ THESE STORIES. They are, as always, brilliant. And it's so fun seeing what different scenarios come out of one prompt! (Also the characters. The characters I've seen people creating for these prompts are just. amazing. All of them so quick to grab your heart.)

Shout with me in the comments about the incredible Quirks we've been honoured to receive! Or about life in general! how are things. I hope things are good for you.

also if you are a The Silver Eye peep feel free to just. shout in the comments about nothing at all. or blogging. or whatever. xD