Quirk #10 || plus! Fairy Tale Choose-Your-Own-Adventure tag!

You know what would have been good? If I'd discovered that The Fairytale Central is doing their fairytale blog tag again before I put up a super short post at the start of February. It would have fit in well with that! 

Instead, I'm going to try to stuff it in this Quirk post! 

...take the story I am offering and do not question my time management.

He hates to admit it. He’s an adult. But when you can beam snide little messages into your brother’s head even after your parents tell you to sit in opposite corners until you can play nicely, feuds tend to go on longer than they should.

Ten years and they still haven’t got over the habit.

“Please, get out of my head.” Davy rolled onto his stomach and clutched the extra pillow against his ears, as if that would somehow help. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“I refuse. How dare you.”

“So not a social visit, then. What’s got you all stroppy now?”

“Just tell me. What. Did you do with Ferdie.”

Huh. He’d actually expected this one earlier. Apparently Luca hadn’t given up as quickly as he’d anticipated. What a thought. “What did you do with Fernie, is the question.”

“You—why do you even care? You only even named it to mock me!”

“If that’s the case why did you bother to take it?” Same calm older brother tone as he’d always used. Still worked a charm in stirring Luca. Gotta love younger siblings and their predictable meltdowns.

“Just because I took your stupid fern in its stupid pot doesn’t mean you can do this! You’ve gone too far, and I’m not going to put up with it.”

“I mean. Did we ever really establish set boundaries?”

“I will call Mum and Dad on this, Davy, I swear.”

Oof. “Bit of an overreaction, don’t you think, Luca? There’s no need to bring them into it. It’s not like anyone’s gotten hurt, not this time.” Unlike that time they were teens, with the noodle incident. But everyone learned their lesson that time! Everything ended up fine!

“You can’t just drag Ferdie into this. Why would you escalate it like that.”

“Mmm, it seemed to me like Ferdie came along quite willingly.” Was that—a hiss? He must really be feeling it.

“I will find Ferdie, and I will tip your fern—”

“Fernie—”

“into the waste oil pit.”

…the problem was, he didn’t doubt Luca would do it, certainly not when he was wound up like this. “I’ll give you a clue, then,” Davy said, conciliatory.

“No! No more clues!”

“Oh, you found the ones I left, then?”

“…I cannot believe you took Ferdie and left a conspiracy board.”

He couldn’t help it. He snorted into his pillow. “Did you see the photo of Fernie? And the string connecting it in a straight line to Ferdie? That’s a clue as to the perpetrator’s motivation!”

“Shut up, this is in no way equal,” Luca said, sounding sulky. “I don’t even understand how you took Ferdie from my garage. He hasn’t been running properly in weeks.”

Davy admitted blithely, “It took a bit of tinkering, but it’s fine now. Maybe not the quietest engine, but that’s not the fault of my mechanic-ing.”

“…thanks.”

And on that note, Davy supposed, he really ought to wrap things up. Adults seemed to have genuine feuds, of the kind where no one got invited to the Christmas party and certain names turned general conversation sour. How ridiculous. He hoped he'd never get to that.

“So, you know how you threatened to call Mum and Dad?”

“…yeah?” Luca said, wary.

“Your car’s parked in their driveway.”

“You’re joking.” A pause. “Of course you’re not. You—argh.” Another pause. “…your—Fernie is in my bathtub. I’m not bringing it back, you’re going to have to pick it up yourself.”

“Rightio. Have you got anything in your fridge?”

“What do you think?”

“…I’ll bring some bread and ham for sandwiches.”

Right. So that's the Quirk done. March. Yes. No. Ignore it.

On to the next thing! Quicksticks, chop chop, no time to waste! 

• • • • • • •

 The Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Fairy Tale Blog Tag 2022

This comes from Fairy Tale Central, and it's part of their February celebrations! 

(Again... March. Oops.)

  •  THE QUESTIONS  • 

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’ve just heard news that a poor girl has been taken by the king to spin straw into gold or suffer a beheading. Well, you just happen to be able to spin straw into gold and would like to help. The problem? You can only awaken your ability by someone relinquishing their greatest desire to you, thus you never like to use your ability. But if you don’t now, an innocent girl dies. What do you do?

At this point, her greatest desire is to not die.

It is definitely not to have a princeling baby with the king who just threatened to behead her. (Might want to look at that plot point, Mr Grimm and Mr Grimm.)

So if she gives me… her desire not to die? I now have no desire to die (extra sense of self-preservation! always handy!) and she… doesn’t care, oops?

…so now the king, presumably, marries her. She seems quite content, has a baby. I have no need to come back and the queen has no sense of self-preservation. Nice.

(Of course, if I put my name down as an experienced free-lancer for if anything happened due to the queen’s not having any self-preservation, such as her bartering! the king’s first child! away to dodgy fairytale characters! Then I can hardly be blamed, can I? It’s only common sense and also a kindness, really!) 

...I am wayyy more Slytherin in these fairytales than in real life, wow. 

 

RAPUNZEL: As crown prince, your father the king gives you a task to prove you’re worthy of the throne. You’re to go slay a witch and rescue a girl who has been locked away in a tower by the witch’s hands. Except when you get there…the girl has absolutely no desire to leave the tower and claims she’s quite fond of the witch. If you don’t kill the witch and bring the girl back, the crown will be given to your ruthless younger brother who will no doubt bring ruin to the kingdom. What course of action do you take?

First up, am I able to get the girl and the witch as allies?

(I really don’t want to be on a witch’s bad side, so I definitely put an effort into being polite there.)

The girl and the witch just want to live in peace in their tower. If the girl’s parents aren’t around and/or concerned, and the witch isn’t hurting anyone, there doesn’t seem to be any problem with this. It is possible, of course, that the girl has been bewitched, so there would be that to consider.

…can I slander my brother into getting kicked out of the line of succession? No?

Fine. I tell my father I’ve done the deed to prove I’m worthy of the throne, and meet him at some forest or somewhere with not a lot of security. Of course, I’ve persuaded the witch and girl to meet him there with me. (I’m going to need to keep the number of soldiers down so he doesn’t just order them to kill the witch on the spot – perhaps I tell him that she shared information with me which I now need to pass on in utmost secrecy?) When he splutters and tells me I haven’t killed the witch, I inform him that the best way to destroy your enemies is to make them your friends, so I have destroyed this enemy to the kingdom. Boom.

…what can I say, I have a golden tongue. I’m going to need it.

As for the younger brother, he’s going to be trouble whether he’s king or not. I’ll work on a plot to keep him restrained. Uhhh let me get back to you on that one? (Siblings. Such pains.)

ALADDIN: You’re the son of the vizier and soon to marry the princess, your friend whom you grew up with. Only a mysterious Prince Aladdin comes and claims the princess as his own. By luck, you discover Aladdin has a secret magical lamp – but also that the princess is in love with him. What do you do with the lamp and the secret you now know?

Uhhh well the obvious answer, honestly, is that the magical lamp has somehow made the princess fall in love with him. Like, that’s genuinely how it looks! And how is he claiming her?

…I make friends with him.

Through the princess, in fact. After all, we’re childhood friends! I should definitely make an effort to be supportive and make friends with her newly-discovered love!

The exclamation points may make it sound like I’m going to stab him when we’re alone, but I actually sit down with Aladdin and explain that magical lamps typically come with a price and also is he sure he’s the best person for the princess? ...Because he’s not. He doesn’t know a thing about being a prince. How odd. A mix of my charisma and sympathetic listening has Aladdin admitting that he’s a street rat. We sit down with the princess and talk it out: the princess is free to marry whoever she wants, of course! And if we reveal that Aladdin’s actually not nobility, then we can score points with the common people, make the rulers more relatable – it'll be simple enough, they already love him. But he really shouldn’t be sultan. The princess can be sultana until their child succeeds her, or if politics don’t really allow for female rule (who knows, honestly), I can be regent until the child is old enough.

This is, of course, entirely selfless.

Seriously, I don’t have any nefarious plots in mind.

(…which doesn’t mean I’m not pleased to be in charge. But as I said. Selfless.)

SLEEPING BEAUTY: As the youngest fairy, you’ve still trying to learn the tricks of the fairy trade. When the vengeful oldest fairy curses a poor baby princess, it’s now up to you to give her one blessing that will somehow counteract this curse. What is it?

The vengeful oldest fairy curses the baby princess: “In your tenth year, at the sound of your mother’s voice, you will sleep… and never wake again!”

Me, the helpful youngest fairy: *stabs baby princess’s eardrums*

JUST KIDDING THAT IS AN AWFUL SOLUTION and definitely not one the king would reward me for.

Hmmm. What are the exact words of the curse? Exact words are so incredibly important when dealing with fairies. Or fairytales in general. Or trying to persuade that bank robot on the end of the phone that you really are yourself and would like to access your money please.

“On her eighteenth birthday, the princess will prick her finger on a spindle… and die!”

The first thing I’m doing is pointing out to the queen that – depending on how much power you believe the old fairy has – the princess is now unable to die for her entire childhood. There’s plenty of time to freak out later; in the meantime, she’s not going to have trouble with poisonous snakes and poisoned arrows and poisoned food and all the other things you worry about when you have toddlers! Like poison probably! I don't know, I don't have a toddler!

Next step is, of course, to deal with the vengeful older fairy! 

...wait. I forgot I'm not a human advisor, I'm a fairy. Oof. I like being a human advisor much better. 

I give her impenetrable skin. No pricking will be happening here!  

SNOW WHITE AND ROSE RED: You are living peacefully with your mother and sister in your cottage in the woods when there’s an urgent knock on the door. Upon opening it you find a dwarf, and he’s holding a chest full of treasure. He begs you to hide it for him because a wicked and greedy bear is hunting him down to steal the treasure which the dwarfs says are his family heirlooms they have spent generations digging up in their underground home. Not wanting the poor man to be mauled by a bear, you agree to hide his treasure for a time. That evening, there is another knock. It’s a bear. Except he seems quite friendly and says he is simply looking for a warm place to sleep before he returns to hunting down a dwarf who has stolen his treasure. Now you don’t know who to believe, the dwarf or the bear. What actions do you take to solve this mystery and return the treasure to its rightful owner?

Allll right, what is a bear doing with treasure?

Can he eat it? Can he barter it? (Does he want the kind of food he can get by bartering?) Can he even pick the treasure up in his paws?

This whole thing smells fishy.

It’s way more plausible for a dwarf to have gained treasure. That said, it’s not particularly plausible for the bear to be talking. Probably might want to look into that.

Now if you've discovered that, in fact, the bear is human, he might be able to better defend his claim on the treasure. If you trace back his identity, you might even be able to find witnesses who can verify the treasure is his. 

But if not, well, the dwarf has possession and a better story. There’s no evidence. Sorry, bear. 

 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: You’re a wolf in the forest, minding your own business, when that airheaded girl Red Riding Hood stumbles through your territory again. And it looks like she’s lost on the way to her grandmother’s house…again. Wolf though you may be, you’re not particularly inclined to eating humans, especially little girls, like the rest of your pack. In fact, naive though she is, you’ve grown rather fond of this particular little girl. The problem is, your pack is nearby and will no doubt spot her at any moment. But if you help her, she may get in her head that all wolves are nice and not be cautious around them. Worse, if your pack spots you aiding her, you’ll be shamed and banished from the pack for sure. How can you help Red find her way back to her grandmother’s house without her or the pack knowing about it?

Can I bite her on the leg. Is that a thing I’m allowed to do.

No? fine. 

I talk to her. "CHILD, I WILL EAT YOU NEXT TIME I SEE YOU" is a decent enough argument, right? Especially if I rough her up a bit, tear her cape, bite her on the leg? 

Then I follow up by explaining to my pack that her father is a huntsman, so we want her gone and we don't want her eaten, there is no need to start some sort of vendetta. 

...If this fails, we corner her the next time and insist on a heavy toll of cake. If her father's not going to keep her out of the forest, maybe her mother will once she has to bake for all of us.

 

THE FROG PRINCE: The prince whom you love has turned into a frog and tells you that only the first kiss of his true love can break his curse. However, you never told him that a fairy cursed your first kiss to be to the man who will destroy your kingdom. What do you do? 

Why are there so many curses, I specifically try to keep on the good side of anyone that powerful xD

...technically, the wording here could say that the first time his true love kisses him will break his curse... but that doesn't change the fact that whatever man I first kiss will destroy my kingdom, which obviously I don't want to happen. 

What if I kiss my mum on the cheek. Does that confuse the curse enough to break it.

I suppose the good thing to do here would be to get a different true love for him. After all, what's the guarantee I'm even the right person to be kissing him! (kinda cold, yes. particularly since I apparently love him. sorry, this stone heart has never felt romantic love. I'll get over it pretty quick, don't worry.)

Have you ever read The Wide-Awake Princess? It's about a younger princess who goes on a quest to collect princes for her Sleeping Beauty sister! there are so many princes! ...quest time to collect his true love, methinks! And I will simply never kiss any man ever xD

Orrr I simply go with it and have an enemies-to-lovers arc with him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(Although I'd hoped my enemies-to-lovers arc would involve someone a little more epic than a frog.)

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: As a fairy godmother, you keep track not only of deserving individuals, but of delinquent ones as well. You’ve heard rumors of a spoiled prince deep in the woods and decide to check out those rumors yourself. When you arrive in disguise as an old beggar woman, he sends you haughtily away with a variety of insults to boot. What punishment -if any- will you bestow upon him to give him a lesson? 

I'm pretty sure insulting people is pretty low on the Requiring Punishment list. I mean, I heard there was someone who turned a guy into a bear! And someone who turned a guy into a frog! Or this one fairy who cursed a kid to die! Plus, it seems petty to punish someone for insults against yourself. If he'd been cruel to a true old lady, that might rank higher. 

If I did want to give him a lesson, though, I'd say that... uh... every time he said unkind things, he'd look a little more like an old lady himself. Kind things (left-handed compliments don't count) would push him back towards looking like himself, though. 

Or - rather than looking like an old lady - he'd get steadily increasing old-lady aches in his bones instead. That one seems like more fun, actually. 

...come on, I'm not the only one here who would and does describe inflicting actual pain on characters as fun.

THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA: After your engagement to the prince is announced, you learn that his mother, the Queen, put a pea under your mattress to check if you were really a princess. You’re upset and decide to get some revenge on this petty royal family. You declare you must prove that the prince is really a prince. What will your test be?

…to be fair, if the pea under my mattress really made that much difference to my sleep, I’m going to fit right into this petty royal family. 

Hmmm. What makes a prince a prince, honestly? My dictionary suggests that a prince is a ruler, particularly of a more minor area, or simply a member of a royal family. By that definition, he is quite certainly a prince. 

However if the royal family were to be thrown out... Just kidding! that won't get me anywhere!

First up, I should figure out what it is I want. Revenge, apparently. I assume I'm going through with the engagement, though? So is it revenge on the whole family, or just the queen and I do like the prince? 

I feel like some kind of test like "be a pigherd for a month and see if your prince-liness shines through enough for the people recognise you at the end" could be appropriate, but I wouldn't do that if I liked the prince, obviously. 

And if the whole family was just that petty, maybe I should be high-tailing it out of there. Just a thought.

TWELVE DANCING PRINCESSES: As the king you have 12 daughters you wish to teach how to run the kingdom. Your days are numbered and you must leave the kingdom to one of them. However, your daughters are mysteriously dancing every night and are so exhausted during the day they fall asleep through all their lessons. What do you do? 

The original story explains that the princesses roofie any man who tries to figure out where they go, so I'll assume that works for them and avoid trying to attack from that point. mmmm.

(Wait why are my days numbered?? I feel like this needs more explanation?? I have put a lot of effort into not-dying so far, I refuse to stop now xD )

Are we sure I can't simply. sign the kingdom over to someone else.

Can I invent expresso coffee, then. It might not fix the problem but they'll have a better chance of staying awake during their lessons!! 

No, the obvious answer here is to talk to the princesses. (communication. an astonishing twist to a fairytale.) I believe he did try and it didn't work, but here's the breakdown: 

1. I ask them where they're going/what they're doing. Presumably they don't answer.

1. a. They're having a fun time and don't want to stop. Rude.

1. a. i. Separate them as much as possible so I can explain to them that this is serious. Hopefully one or two will get it into their heads. 

1. a. ii. Is this something I need to stop? If not, it will exhaust them less if it's not secretive! Add "magic dance practice" to their princess lessons! The appeal will drop, that's for sure!

1. a. iii. why haven't they invited me. I'm not like other dads. I'm a fun dad.

1. b. They're scared/being blackmailed/etc (see: Entwined). This is more difficult! I need to get them to trust me! 

1. b. i. If it's their own safety they're worried for, I can immediately remove them from the palace, and if necessary, the kingdom.

1. b. ii. If it's someone else's safety, or the kingdom etc, I'm going to need to take out the threat straight away.

2. Fix the problem! If I'm the king, I can banish people, call up magical allies, stab someone with my vast collection of swords, all sorts of things! 

3. Also maybe spend more time with them so we're closer and they'll just. talk to me next time.

(But also, y'know, there are twelve of them. I only need to get one out and paying attention to me - assuming, of course, that the situation isn't dangerous for them.)

• • • • • • •

Well. That was a wild ride. You've done enough reading for this post, I reckon! So I'm going to cut it off here. Tell me which fairytale character you'd like to replace with yourself so you could fix the fairytale, and which character you'd hate to be because they don't have any good way out, and which fairytale villain you'd do a better job than.

...wait I forgot the other Quirks!! it's late. At night, but also, y'know, in general, but when is it not.

• • • • • • •

Once again, we have our Steady Regulars! back with more angst, we can only hope! 

Sam @ Bookshire!

The Story Sponge!

Elizabeth (The Temperamental Writer)! 《= she has a name now! And I missed it xD

I hope you guys know how much I appreciate you coming with me on this wild ride! 

And to everyone who has participated once or twice, or has thought about joining in, or has read the Quirks, you're pretty jolly cool too. Many thanks. Please keep returning! The owl may be persuaded to share its cake.